Rambling

I suppose I started this blog to journal for myself. Since I type a lot faster than I write, this makes sense.
I can't believe the turn my life has taken, though in hindsight, I should have predicted it and seen it coming. Hope, faith, and denial are powerful things, mix those in with a bad case of codependency and well, you end up in a situation like mine. I feel like making a t-shirt that says:

I spent the past 13 years married to an alcoholic & raising seven kids!
(and all I got was this lousy t-shirt)

Yep, given the choice, he chose the alcohol. I never thought it would come to this. He still claims he doesn't think he has a problem. Honestly, he's been torn between two worlds for many years and trying to make his exit for a few years now. I thought he'd recognize how badly he was doing and come to his senses, but it's not likely to happen. And so our family of nine has been split in half. We had raise his, mine and ours for 13 years - now the family is completely fractured....broken.
I am sad for the kids. I never wanted this family to fail. I know I had my part in the demise of my marriage, but I just thought we'd be able to get our act together and fix things. Its all just very sad. I'm depressed and angry, he's depressed and angry (and I think bipolar) and the kids are depressed and angry. Its such a mess.
I suppose ours is just another version of a family breaking down, and it stinks.

It's very, very hard for me to accept. I think part of me is still hoping and praying he'll come to his senses.....it's been three months since he left....
I've put our wedding pictures in a drawer and I'm about to put my engagement and wedding rings away.

13 years.....up in smoke......
Very strange learning to live life without the person that's been by your side everyday for so long. Every day gets a little easier, the nights are the hardest. I was doing well for quite a while with what has happened, but I think reality is now rushing in and I'm really realizing....this is my life now.

I miss my husband, my lover, my friend.