Better.

Feeling better about life these days. Amazing what a difference being back on my antidepressants is! Life is hard, discouraging, very stressful and depressing but a least I feel like I can do this now!

More later...

Lifeline

Drama queen #2 saving a life

(museum in Chicago '07)

Clowning around

L-R: drama queen #4, drama queen #3
Chicago '07 trip

Deer in the headlights...

l to r: Drama queen #3, and drama queen #1. Winter of'07

For the record....I am a vegetarian with vegan leanings and hate to see that poor deer head on the wall (taken at their stepmother's father's home)

After A While
(alternate title - Comes the Dawn)

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads
on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that
you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my all-time favorite poems, little did I know about 23 years ago when I first stumbled upon it what meaning it would come to have in my life.

So,

So, you're upset because you had to go pawn your guitar tonight in order to get us some food for dinner (potatoes, sour cream, shredded cheese), my heart bleeds for you. (not)

And no, you don't need to remind me that neither my Dec rent or my Jan rent has been paid and it's almost time for Feb rent to be paid. And no, I haven't found a job yet, like I told you I am waiting for my provisional nursing license to come in the mail before I can get hired on somewhere.

I really am not interested in hearing how badly you've got it.
I've got:
~fulltime school -complete with homework, studying, many projects and presentations, ect...
~4 kids to take care of, two of those with behavioral disorders, all of them high maintenance
~a home to keep in some sort of order so CPS doesn't swoop in and take my kids away
~rent and bills to pay that I don't possibly have the money for
~dealing with severe, chronic depression and anxiety
~severe anemia which makes me very weak and fatigued 24/7
~a vehicle that is dying and the stress of driving around with no insurance (again)
~completing my online required course in prep for taking my NCLEX exam
~studying for my NCLEX exam
~oh, and yes....in my spare time, finding a fulltime job & someone to watch the kids during this time.

All you have to do is go to work and then you get to go home and have a peaceful night sitting on your couch watching cable TV.

In other news, I'm getting sick with a bad cold, along with nausea & diarrhea too and maybe if I'm real lucky this eye irritation I've had for the past 24 hours is pinkeye.....yippee!

....

I just don't want to do life anymore.
I just want to sleep for a long, long time.

Just make it all go away. I am not strong enough to deal with everything
that needs to be dealt with. My life and my kids are a mess.
It's all too much to fix, there is no fixing it all.

I give up.

Would you like a side of stress with that?

Wow, time flies! School started back up for me (going on to get my RN) and let's just say I have my work cut out for me this semester. Lots of projects, homework and presentations this time around!
So, my Dec and my Jan rent are still not paid and I'm really worried about being evicted. My estranged husband keeps getting put off by his boss....he's owed commission on over 20 jobs which would add up to a couple thousand dollars and the boss won't pay him, keeps putting him off. So, my landlord keeps getting put off and he's not happy. We were supposed to have the rent paid up today and surprise(!) no commission money!

Great.

AdDiCtEd

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me
It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this

It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

Addicted - Kelly Clarkson
http://music.aol.com/video/addicted-live/kelly-clarkson/1361899

180

How quickly the story changes.....

Three months ago when I asked him what I was supposed to do financially "don't worry honey, I will always take care of you and the girls."

This morning it was an angry phone call of "I can not and I will not support you and your children!"

Nice.

I don't know who this person is, it's like an alien person has taken over my husband.

Rambling

I suppose I started this blog to journal for myself. Since I type a lot faster than I write, this makes sense.
I can't believe the turn my life has taken, though in hindsight, I should have predicted it and seen it coming. Hope, faith, and denial are powerful things, mix those in with a bad case of codependency and well, you end up in a situation like mine. I feel like making a t-shirt that says:

I spent the past 13 years married to an alcoholic & raising seven kids!
(and all I got was this lousy t-shirt)

Yep, given the choice, he chose the alcohol. I never thought it would come to this. He still claims he doesn't think he has a problem. Honestly, he's been torn between two worlds for many years and trying to make his exit for a few years now. I thought he'd recognize how badly he was doing and come to his senses, but it's not likely to happen. And so our family of nine has been split in half. We had raise his, mine and ours for 13 years - now the family is completely fractured....broken.
I am sad for the kids. I never wanted this family to fail. I know I had my part in the demise of my marriage, but I just thought we'd be able to get our act together and fix things. Its all just very sad. I'm depressed and angry, he's depressed and angry (and I think bipolar) and the kids are depressed and angry. Its such a mess.
I suppose ours is just another version of a family breaking down, and it stinks.

It's very, very hard for me to accept. I think part of me is still hoping and praying he'll come to his senses.....it's been three months since he left....
I've put our wedding pictures in a drawer and I'm about to put my engagement and wedding rings away.

13 years.....up in smoke......
Very strange learning to live life without the person that's been by your side everyday for so long. Every day gets a little easier, the nights are the hardest. I was doing well for quite a while with what has happened, but I think reality is now rushing in and I'm really realizing....this is my life now.

I miss my husband, my lover, my friend.

My 4 Drama Queens....

hehehe....the stripes on her sweater and the way her sister is leaning into her makes the drama queen on the left look pregnant! I can assure you, she's most definitely NOT!

Hello 2008!

So, here I am, with a blog. 2007 was the worst year of my life and I'm glad to bid it goodbye. 2008 is full of possibilities, bring on the good stuff! I'm anxious (and just a little bit scared) to see where my new life is going to lead me.

Please leave me a comment to let me know you've been here!