Better.

Feeling better about life these days. Amazing what a difference being back on my antidepressants is! Life is hard, discouraging, very stressful and depressing but a least I feel like I can do this now!

More later...

Lifeline

Drama queen #2 saving a life

(museum in Chicago '07)

Clowning around

L-R: drama queen #4, drama queen #3
Chicago '07 trip

Deer in the headlights...

l to r: Drama queen #3, and drama queen #1. Winter of'07

For the record....I am a vegetarian with vegan leanings and hate to see that poor deer head on the wall (taken at their stepmother's father's home)

After A While
(alternate title - Comes the Dawn)

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that
love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up
and your eyes ahead,
with the grace of a woman,
not the grief of a child,
and you learn to build all of your roads
on today because tomorrow's ground
is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of
falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn that
even sunshine burns
if you get too much.
So you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that
you really can endure...
That you really do have worth.
And you learn and you learn...
With every goodbye you learn.
by Veronica A. Shoffstall
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
One of my all-time favorite poems, little did I know about 23 years ago when I first stumbled upon it what meaning it would come to have in my life.

So,

So, you're upset because you had to go pawn your guitar tonight in order to get us some food for dinner (potatoes, sour cream, shredded cheese), my heart bleeds for you. (not)

And no, you don't need to remind me that neither my Dec rent or my Jan rent has been paid and it's almost time for Feb rent to be paid. And no, I haven't found a job yet, like I told you I am waiting for my provisional nursing license to come in the mail before I can get hired on somewhere.

I really am not interested in hearing how badly you've got it.
I've got:
~fulltime school -complete with homework, studying, many projects and presentations, ect...
~4 kids to take care of, two of those with behavioral disorders, all of them high maintenance
~a home to keep in some sort of order so CPS doesn't swoop in and take my kids away
~rent and bills to pay that I don't possibly have the money for
~dealing with severe, chronic depression and anxiety
~severe anemia which makes me very weak and fatigued 24/7
~a vehicle that is dying and the stress of driving around with no insurance (again)
~completing my online required course in prep for taking my NCLEX exam
~studying for my NCLEX exam
~oh, and yes....in my spare time, finding a fulltime job & someone to watch the kids during this time.

All you have to do is go to work and then you get to go home and have a peaceful night sitting on your couch watching cable TV.

In other news, I'm getting sick with a bad cold, along with nausea & diarrhea too and maybe if I'm real lucky this eye irritation I've had for the past 24 hours is pinkeye.....yippee!

....

I just don't want to do life anymore.
I just want to sleep for a long, long time.

Just make it all go away. I am not strong enough to deal with everything
that needs to be dealt with. My life and my kids are a mess.
It's all too much to fix, there is no fixing it all.

I give up.